In The End Of This Year

Waiting for another train to transfer, I was so so exhausted. It's a pretty nice day. I saw the sunshine, the air was mild, and I didn't feel cold...actually, it was comfortable. Getting up at 6 on this nice holiday, leaving home around 7, and I wondered why I had to wait for a train beside a couple kissing and whispering...making their own world...it's totally unfair to stand beside those people while almost falling asleep!! I haven't slept enough these past some days, so I definitely wanted to stay in my futon for hours more, but too bad I have to stay at the lab. However, I thought about taking advantage of this duty time and prepared for it last night because I still have lots of things to do and I can do if I'm not busy at work.

This year was something; The passage of time started with a very slow speed. Just a week felt like a month, and there was not so many things that I can be happy with. Having vague ideas that can be never cleared, I was growing negative feelings inside everyday. It was just tough. How sad even it goes really slow, the time never stops and I can't go back. In the end of January, I left for my short solo trip...Singapore and Cambodia.

During my trip, I got to meet a lot of people. Firstly, I met my sweet Singaporean friend and his family. They are always very nice to us and I really appreciate it. I always feel that they take care of us too much (of course in good meaning)...as friends that they don't see or talk so often, but that makes me feel that I'm so welcomed :) I'll never forget about the favor and will surely do return it back when they come to Japan. Actually I want to be like them. I will be really glad if I can help my good friends be happy just like how they made me happy. It's not so easy to make it work though because it shouldn't be my one-sided favor that actually makes people feel bad.

In Cambodia, I met a guy from Osaka and it made me decide to visit Vietnam. And it became my debut trip as a backpacker(?), lol. I know that it may not be correct to call me a backpacker, because of the length of the trip, etc. However, it was totally something new for me. Searching for a place to stay that night in the cheap hostel area, having meal with a guy who I met on the street or bus, fighting with a middle aged guy who wanted me to take his friend's 'bike taxi' somehow, the people who didn't give change to me when I bought something, making someone mad while bargaining...lol. Obviously, I'd been loving traveling. However, I always went traveling with sister or friends. But not anymore. I'll travel with someone and also by myself. Just one of the choices has been deleted. Maybe, I'll never give it up because of "I don't have anyone to go with".

It wasn't only during trip that I got to meet new people. I met some friends through friends, and some photographers through online. I'm glad that I can hang out with them sometime and my weekends became busier. I'm always glad when someone asks me out :) But recently, I also feel sorry because I can't afford it sometime because of my schedule :(

I also got some chances to do what I call 'serious play'. It helps me being positive and motivated a little bit more and always makes me enjoy and I also get something thrown in (*^_^*). General girls like me usually don't get so many chances to be taken pictures prettily, right? So I thank about it and thank my friend who gave me the first chance doing it with him ;)

From the end of summer, wedding rush suddenly hit me. I attended 4 parties in 4 months. All of the brides are same age friends of mine, so it's something impressive to realize that I'm already around the age that is no wonder to get married. It's scary to admit that soon I'll be too old to "consume"...maybe the clock is ticking? I remember when one of my friends told me that she was going to get married. It was exactly one year ago. We were at izakaya having food and drink and she came late because she worked overtime. As soon as she came we found a stone sparkling on her 4th finger and everyone wanted to hear about the story. Especially a friend who's going out with her bf longer than her, was asking lots of questions to her. Actually her bf was there, so maybe she wanted to give him a pressure, lol. Beside it, I didn't feel like joining the conversation cheerfully. Of course I was happy to hear that, but was also wondering how such things works. A girl got proposed by a guy with his faithful heart. He decided to spend the rest of his life with her and promised that he would take care of her. Besides, a girl is left by a guy. She was left with sweet words that were empty inside. However the words sounds nice, the guy chose leaving her. There was no point. What is the difference between those couples? What separates their future go toward here and there? Anyway, I think the wedding rush doesn't finish for a while because I already got another one next year...and she is younger than me :P

These two months were really busy having wedding, traveling, of course working and stuff. I like it when I'm busy as long as I'm not tired too much. Actually the thing decided by myself made my schedule very tight, as I mentioned in a past post, I went to see pretty illumination to Kobe :) I think I traveled a lot this year. Of course I want to do it more, but as a girl having this job, I think its enough to say good enough. I'm sure something is different from last year, so it means I've been changing somehow. I hope that it's in a positive way. And I just noticed I'll finish paying back my student loan just in a few months!! I was thinking of paying back in 5 years when I started it, but actually, I'm finishing it in 3 years, (It was supposed to take for 15 years if I pay back normally.) and I haven't been sacrificing things so much beside it. I go drinking, I go traveling, and of course eat yummy foods sometimes, etc. And I've also saved some money XD Well done me! *clap clap* Now, it's time to think about moving out seriously...My senior says that its fun to be a 30s solitary single woman. Mmm, it might be because they earn some more than 20s, and doing well at work. Maybe I'll be putting one foot in there because I've told by a gentleman that I'm too strong for Japanese guys, lol. But I think it's more fun to live with someone :)

Anyway, it took for hours to finish writing this since I'm doing some work. So, this was my year. Maybe I'll read my old posts again when I have time and share the feelings with myself in the past? ;) This might be the last post for this year, but I'm sure I'll write a new post again if I have time till the end of this year :P

Poor Jesus Christ...Lol

Some weeks ago, in Moromon English class, we talked about holidays. The Elder handed each of us a piece of paper and there were some pictures related to Japanese and American holidays on it. He told me to choose one and explain in English. While having a few events which we are not familiar with Japanese; like Halloween and Thanksgiving, there was something that we definitely know like Christmas or Valentine's day. We started explaining or saying words related to the holiday/events, and when it came to a highschool girl's turn, she shocked me. Her topic was about "Christmas" but what she mentioned is only about Santa Claus, presents and pretty Christmas lights which we call "Christmas illumination", lol. Didn't she miss a very important thing???

Hey, of course I know Christmas is mostly recognized just as an event in Japan. Especially for young people, Chiristmas Eve is something just like "Lovers' night". Beautiful Christmas lights are settled in the cities when December starts, and people go to see them. Couples reserve nice restaurants and hotels, buy sweet Christmas present for the one they love and spend a ROMANTIC night ;) Every girl expects their boyfriends to make them feel special on the special day, so the closer the day comes, the more their brains are occupied with the ideas to how to spend the special night with the one they are in love with. I'm afraid to say this, but some Japanese may not know what day the Christmas day originally comes from. However, the highschool girl is coming to the church which is related to Jesus Christ...Even though she isn't a member of church, how dare she didn't mention about the Christ's birthday being in a church, lol. Since she didn't mention about Jesus Christ, the Elder had to say something about it afterward...:P Anyway, I hope that she will spend a good Christmas Eve if she has someone...And I'm sure she won't remember about Jesus Christ while spending a ROMANTIC time ;)

A Guy's 婚活(konkatsu) at Wedding Reception

Related to this post, I want to say something..."Single" is translated into "独身(dokushin)" in Japanese in most cases. However, I always feel it weird because Single≠独身 :S 独身 means unmarried people. So, it doesn't matter whether they have boyfriends or girlfriends but if they are married or not...So, it may cause a problem for someone who uses "独身" to ask someone if he/she is "single" or not...lol.

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I've heard that the second parties of wedding are a good opportunity for finding someone and I agree with it in some degree because it's much more casual than the wedding receptions and only young people (friends of the groom and bride) are coming in most cases. Actually, I heard some people actually have such an ulterior motive beside the main reason, lol. However, I didn't think that someone showing such an intention obviously(?) during the pleasant talk time of the wedding reception. When we were chatting, one of the groom's guests came up to our table and spoke to our boss. He was wondering if we can have 合コン(goukon) with his co-workers!!! Yes, most people in our lab are unmarried female around 25~30, and some are single girls who want to be in a relationship. He told us there are some single guys around 30~35 age and they will be glad if they get an opportunity to meet some girls. Since our boss is a kind of funny guy, he cheerfully said, "Oh, evvverrrryyyyone is single here around this table so there's no problem to make such a meeting"! I was like "What the hell?!" and tried not to look at him...lol. However, my seniors sounded interested in it and started to talk with him. I was kind a turned off listening to his talk, so I really didn't want to be involved.

I think she is someone that is always interested in having 合コン. I was taken there once (actually, I wanted to take a look to know how it is, lol) with her and other co-workers, but it was boring. Maybe it will depend on what type of people come, but I felt that should be much better to drink with people who don't have an intention of searching for girls in case of drinking with strangers. Anyway, I was totally not interested, and wanted her to feel the atmosphere that I was making...guess what happened? She asked me and another girl if we are coming. I KNEW THAT SHE WAS GONNA ASK! And it seems that such a meeting is actually going to be held. We'll see what will happen...LOL

It's The Thought That Counts

In stead of sending Christmas cards, it's common to send new year cards here in Japan. We send the greeting card to relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. Because of the popularization of computers and stuff, we rarely write new year cards by own hands, however, I don't like it so much if there is nothing on the card written by hand. Actually, I was anti-printer type and kept writing only by my hand when I had time long time ago...drawing pictures to each card, writing messages, etc...I spent more than 30 minutes, sometimes, even an hour to one card.

Since December is almost there, I should buy some new year post cards and start making them. Those cards will be thrown into a post till the end of this year, and will be delivered to houses on January 1st :) However I don't have time to write down everything by myself, I still try to write some lines to each person. Actually, it's the most fun time while I'm making cards especially for friends. Thinking about the person, remembering what happened in the year, and hope they will have a wonderful time in coming next year.

As I prefer writing a letter with a pen using my hand, it makes me really happy when I receive something that someone wrote for me by his/her hand. Of course it doesn't have to be a letter. Anything made by hands...actually, it doesn't have to be even anything that was made by the person. It's the thought that counts, and I keep those treasures however they become "past" someday. They are definitely something that I went through, and I never want to forget the feelings I had when I received them. There are two small things that I remember as one of those things now. One is a small red lava and the other is a piece of paper napkin. I don't even know if the person who gave them to me remembers, but I think I'll keep it until I die because those small things meant a lot to me.

Feelings Behind Sharing Yummy Food

"What to make for dinner today..."

It's what my co-worker often says when the work is almost over. She is getting married end of this month, and I'm attending to her wedding party. I will also help her as a receptionist at the wedding ;) Anyway, "What to make for dinner today". She's lived with her bf since last year and has been cooking for him almost everyday. I know that maybe it's a kind of serious thing to think what to make for dinner, however, I don't deny I envy her a bit whenever I hear it. As a girl living with parents, I rarely cook. I know my cooking skill is not that horrible, but I don't have large repertories since in most cases, when I cook, it's after work. I don't really feel like going shopping or checking recipes on book after 1.5 hours travel from workplace. However, being a stingy girl, I'm sure I'll seriously start cooking when I start living by myself, lol.

I had a small party with friends last weekend at my friend's apartment. He was senior at high school and for some reason, my best friend has been in a relationship with him since a few years ago. I've known that she sometimes cooks for him when she visits his apartment, and also heard it's much less time than hers, but he also cooks sometimes for her. I felt it's sweet when I heard about it. I've also cooked at my bf's place sometime in the past, but don't think any of them has cooked for me recalling memories...I remember one of them has told me that he would make crapes for me and cook for me, but those words became wishes that never ever come realized when he left. But I remember I was happy when I heard those words since I hadn't even heard those words from other exes in the past, so it sounded very sweet.

When I ate foods that my friends cooked, I remembered something. Eating food that made by mother already became something like routine work, so I thought that I've been missing something. The foods my friend made were good, so I naturally said "美味しい" and it made me feel something. It was a meal that can make someone happy. I remembered I always wanted to make him happy when I cooked at his house. It may sound passive, however, it was enough to be my motivation for cooking. I wanted him to be happy and wanted to try something for it because it makes me happy as well.

Eating is necessary to live, but also means more than it. It's like sharing memories. It actually affects the human relationship. We get close to someone when we eat together. We can't like the person so much however he/she is nice if we don't like the way he/she eats (I'm sure I can say it about speaking, smiling etc. It's something physiological). Lastly, I realized that if you think about a specific person when you're eating something delicious, the person must be your special because you want to share the happiness over the great food...I don't know if this works to everyone, but at least, I feel this way.

I'm Going to See Kobe Luminarie

It was a very quick decision. Once I heard about it, something in my heart started growing up. It expanded and expanded...and finally exploded! Man, I really want to go there! Of course I've known about this famous light up since before. However, I didn't think I would go to see it since it's far away and maybe I also didn't want to go if I'm alone. However, something has changed now.

"Maybe it's the time to go. If I miss this year, I don't know when I get a chance to go to see them."

While taking a look of the pictures on Internet, my heart kept beating fast. So, naturally I decided to go there somehow with the strong feeling. Since it's only temporary event for 12 days in December, I had to act quickly. The closing date of requesting off days for next month is almost there, and I had to negotiate to all the co-workers if I want to get consecutive days off because there are not so many people in my lab now. Fortunately, it seems that it's gonna work. Maybe I can go there! I feel I will fall in love with the lights if I see them and actually going there to make it happen, lol. I think I can just stay there and watch the lights for hours without getting bored. It will be a time for meditation...and also a kind of torture because I know that I can't be just happy with doing that. I'm sure the lights will remind me about something specific...I remember how much I wanted to see pretty lights last year. There are some great light-up place for Christmas around Tokyo and it was OK to any of them because I was sure I can be happy anywhere. It seemed that the dream came true. I walked under blue lights but didn't feel happy so much. Finally, the uneasy feeling I had in my mind became reality.

I think I may feel something similar what I felt while walking in the park alone weeping at night. It felt like the end of the world at that time, but I'm sure I won't feel that bad anymore however I weep...And of course I can't do it when I'm with someone...actually, maybe my sister is coming with me if I go there. Damn, I'll miss the chance to release all of my feelings in front of the beautiful light up, lol.

If someone asks me how my life is, I don't think I can say I'm 100% enjoying yet. Something is missing, and I still need to charge myself. The sorts of batteries I can use are so limited, and the energy keeps running away no matter I refill it or not. Maybe I need to wait a little bit more. Until I'm filled enough to start walking by myself again or something pulls me and helps me start moving from where I am. But you know, when I feel like doing something so strongly, it becomes a huge mass of energy and just pushes me up from inside. The only thing that has pushed me sometime in past months is when I realized I could actually go somewhere. My heart beat so fast and it kept me up till late at night. I'm not exaggerating, I couldn't sleep because of the excitement!!! LOL. I think I'm deep in love with it...especially doing it alone.

While traveling, sometimes I laugh when I see funny things. Sometimes I weep when I'm impressed or when I feel lonely (lol). I find myself more obedient when I travel alone. Maybe it's because I'm free from the role that I take a part in the small societies I belong to. I need to be just a girl sometimes and the girl wants to go to see the pretty lights which will give her both happiness and loneliness :)

Anyway, I think no one can stop me (unless something happens at work). Now I'm like a wild boar running straightly to the target♥ You'll see ;)

ホリデー

　目が覚めたら外は明るくて、最近のじめじめした天気とは打って変わっての快晴の空だった。時計は九時半を指していて、すでに十分遅いんだけれども、遅くまで起きていたことを理由にもう一度布団にもぐりこんだ。昨日から変えた羽毛布団はふかふかしていて気持ちいい。


　今日は空気も爽やかだし、気温も少し上がるみたいだから文句なしの山日和かなぁとか思いつつ。でも、三時から人と会う約束があるから無理だなと思いなおし…残念。気持ち的には山に軍配があがるけど、もちろん優先されるべきは以前からの約束。


　ぬくぬくと布団の中でまどろみつつも、結局一時間後に起きだして遅い朝食をとる。今食べたばかりの納豆とは到底合わないとわかってはいるけれども、ポットにお湯を沸かして締めのコーヒーを淹れた。


　最近コーヒーをよく飲む。数年前は完全に紅茶派だった私はいつの間にやらコーヒー派にシフトしていた。でも、豆買ってきて挽いてとか、そういうことは一切やる気がなくて、自分で淹れるのは真空パックのドリップタイプか粉末のインスタント。この間はお手頃価格の抹茶ラテを大量買いして職場にも持って行った。最近発見したけど、やっぱりそういうのもココアのごとく、お湯で淹れるより牛乳で淹れた方が断然美味い。職場に牛乳はさすがに置いておけないから、家だけでの楽しみかなぁ…。


　ひょいと外を覗いたら、庭に咲いている菊の花に蜂が来ていたので、カメラを持って抜き足差し足忍び足（笑）三年ほど前に買ったデジカメ、最近は友達の結婚式で活躍中。まだまだ現役です！








　う～ん、やっぱり天気が良いから今日は駅まで歩いていこう。カメラと本も持っていこう。新しいブーツを履いて、いつもよりちょっとお洒落にして。昨日落ち込んだ分の哀しみはまだちょっと残っているけど、きっと心地よい日差しと風が消してくれる。

Random Things On My Mind

I think I'll be done paying my student loan next year, so I have to think about my life after that. I'll be around the age that can't be just a young girl (don't say I'm already not!!), and I think for a few years from now, it'll be time that I can be free in some degree unless I get married or something happens. And also, those coming years may have a high possibility to become a kind of turning point of my life.

I've mentioned about this recently; I really feel like moving out now. I know that I haven't thought about detail plans about my life (my mom always told me to do it tho, lol), but I feel that something has been changed since last year and now something like "my ideal life" is slowly clearfied even it's only in my head.

I'm sure the coincidence triggered something and it brought me here like a chemical reaction which never stopps until the last outcome is made. I think it was not such a big thing but meaned a lot of me.

One of my friends told me she wants to get married when she is 27 years old. She is actually thinking of breaking up with present bf since he doesn't have the will to get married until he turns 30. A senior at workplace told me she had decided to get married or move out and live by herself when she was around my age. I don't know if my friend really gets married when she is 27 (she will be 27 in July next year), but my senior actually started living by herself when she became 27. Mmm, 27 may be a kind of special age for girls?

Maybe most of us have been selected the ways how to live in some degree and choose a partner to spend rest of the life with now. However I'm floating somewhere, seeing friends getting married one by one makes me notice that I'm around that age however I like it or not. It's interesting that even if we live till 80, our personality or habit have already been fixed and it's hard to change. There are people that I get along and also who I can't however I try.

Young people look fascinating because of their youth that they have now. But without question, it's what everyone has for a while in their life. We can't keep it forever, and everyone gets old. I'm personally not interested in showing ones glamour with wearing sexy clothes stuff like that. I'm sure that I will feel it weird if I try to do such a thing and it's also not the way I want to catch someone's attention with.

Even if someone gives me a compliment, I don't think I'll be moved because what I want is always a specific thing from a person, and of course the person is hardly replacable. It's fun to doze off in the gentle sunshine and have a sweet dream that feels like last forever. However, such a thing is just a bullshit because we wake up someday unless we are dead.

Maybe everyone wants to be special and what kind of special defferes from one to one. I don't think what I want is that big, but it's something hard to get. I don't like those words or compliments that sound nice but have substance. I always want to ask; DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT? You'll be fine soon. There is a right one for you, etc. Get out of here and leave me alone. I'm not telling this to get nice words. Whenever I tell about this, it reminds me the fact that I wasn't good enough to keep the only one heart I wanted and curse myself lacking attraction. It's a warning for myself.

I don't deny that I find myself relieved when I notice I'm still stuck. I don't wanna force myself move on because I know the end of the story of a girl who used to be called special girl.

It Was Something

The weather was nice on last day as well. Checking out the hostel, I took a ferry to Miyajima again. I wanted to buy souvenirs for family and co-workers. I also wanted to go to Itsukushima shirine I skipped last day. Actually, I didn't have so many things to do there, so after a few hours, I left there and took a tram for Hiroshima city.

After a hour or so, I was back where I like; the riverside beside the Atomic Bomb Dome. I put my backpack beside me sat down on the bench, then started reading a book. The weather was as nice as it was the other day, and I really liked spending relaxing time there like that until I get bored and start feeling like doing something else. After a while, I got a text message from my friend and he was almost there. So we met up and did some sightseeing together. I remember we talked about some funny things and I learned a new word "billboard", lol.

Unfortunately, enjoyable time was over soon and I was on the train for Tokyo. So, how was it anyways? In the beginning, it seemed that I couldn't get to go where I originally wanted to go. But I decided to go to Hiroshima later and went where I wanted to visit there. I spent some relaxing time, ate yummy foods, and found a way to save water; it was first time for me using a shower which works with a coin. It was 5 minutes for a coin and I wondered if I could finish everything in time. However, when we stop the tap, the count down stops as well. So, I found it possible to finish everything in 5 minutes water running :) Actually, I thought I should do the same thing at home so that I can save water (>_<)

Anyway, I spent great time during my trip. You may already know what I feel great when I travel alone, and maybe you noticed that it happened during this trip as well. I don't know how the worthless story goes, but hope that it will be nice and long :)

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Web album: A Trip to Hiroshima

...Fireworks

Freezing day like today brings me back some memories. They are not so bad, but I can't deny that there is something negative. It'll be good if I can just be in the warm room heated by stove and sit in front of the computer holding a cup of hot sweet cocoa. However, the day came all of a sudden and I couldn't prepare anything about it. There is a song that plays in my head sometimes when I feel winter; Snow Smile. When I realized that It's already been almost a year since I posted the post, I felt something impressive. Time goes by so quickly.

I don't dislike reading posts that I posted in the past. I'd rather read them actually when I feel like it. Reading them, I can know how I've lived because the posts are filled with my thoughts and feelings I had at that time...I was mad sometimes, glad, worried, and even wept being impressed by small things. Going back through those memories, I come across those feelings I had. They are nothing more or less than my footprints on the way I passed. Even though I put them into a toy box and don't open it so often, I want to leave the box right beside me so I can open it whenever I feel like it.

It just doesn't move me when I hear something that people tell when I talk about a topic. It's something pointless and I can't feel anything from it. However, I don't refrain from talking about it because it's just one of general topics and there is no reason to avoid it. People think that I've been stuck...Actually, I may be stuck, but it's OK because I'm OK. No one can force me move on if I don't have the will. It has to be happen naturally; when the time comes, maybe I'll move on. At least for now, I have no reason to leave there against my will, nor ideas where I want to go.

Anyway, never mind. I just remembered about fireworks.

Great Symbol Of The Island

So, as soon as I left the backpack at the hostel, I left for the island. When I arrived at there, deer came to meet me, lol. Actually, there are lots of wild deer that are not afraid of humans. They sometimes try to get food (like a map, lol) from us and I had my clothes about to be eaten once while I was in the island!! Dangerous!!!! LOL

Firstly, I walked to the ropeway station and took a ropeway to Mt.Misen. I'm sure I could climb the mountain if I had the will, but this time, I skipped it because I didn't wanna miss my little time staying there. I wanted to climb the mountain first, and wanted to eat something yummy when I came back from there. Actually, I went to the top much quicker than I expected. It didn't take that long as the sign told...might be because I'm a girl who was trained by Mt.Takao (I'm just kidding). Anyway~, I came back from the mountain asap, and got an oyster lunch set that I wanted to eat...it was YUM :P Actually, I'd been taking pictures of stuffs I ate and kept sending them to my sister. You can easily guess how much she envied me. We LOVE yummy foods :P So, I got a bit of lots of snacks there, and waited for the time of low water to walk to the bottom of the shrine gate. I wanted to do three things in the island; going to the bottom of the gate, watching the sunset of the shrine, and seeing the night view of the island: The gate belongs to the shrine (world heritage) in the island, however, it also looks as the symbol of whole the island. It is counted as one of the 3 most beautiful scenery in Japan.

Fortunately, I accomplished all of them. I took some nice pictures of the gate in the sunset and also in the light up. Damn, I always wish I had a good skill of photography whenever I see beautiful landscapes. I know that my skill is not enough, but hope you will feel the some of the great atmosphere I felt there with this picture...even it's a little :)

Incidentally...later, my friend who I met at hostel told me he was mesmerized by the gate when he saw it :)

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Web album: A Trip to Hiroshima

Breakfast In The Morning Sunshine

Next day, I was supposed to get up at 5 because I thought that it must be so beautiful to see the sunrise of the Atomic Bomb Dome. However, I missed it. I thought that I could make it because I have to get up at 5 once or twice every week, but maybe I slept too late for it being tired. I got up at 6 and noticed that the sunrise was going to happen in 10 minutes so I gave up...damn! I don't know how the sunrise of the dome looks like because I haven't seen any pictures and stuff, however, in my head, I had something similar to Angkor Wat that I saw in Cambodia...of course just an image, lol. I simply thought the silhouette of the dome must be beautiful in the sunrise. But anyway, I missed it...When I noticed that I wouldn't be in time, I thought if I should sleep again or not. Then, I chose getting up. I thought that it would take some time to pack everything, and if I finish it early, I would have more time in Miyajima that I was going to. So, I started preparing, and once it was done, I checked out the hotel.

Yes, I overslept and missed a thing. However, the weather was better than I expected, so it was not that bad...at least, I did the other thing that I wanted to do...*Eating breakfast at riverside*, lol. The temperature was perfect. The sky was blue, and the dome looked great in it. Filling my mouth with onigiri, I remembered the time I spent at the riverside in Hue in Vietnam...It was a very relaxing moment eating breakfast in the morning sun until I notice the sunshine was much stronger than I thought...lol. It was HOT actually. Nice view, nice air, good temperature, but HOT, orz. I didn't really want to get sunburned, so after a while, I left there for next place; the island with beautiful Shinto gate, and actually, it was the place that I wanted to visit this time so I chose going to Hiroshima (^_-)-☆ I've been there once on a school trip, but didn't remember so much because it was almost 10 years ago. I wanted to visit there again...maybe not alone when I thought about it before, but it was time to go by myself, lol. Maybe I wanted to be healed by sacred structures which have strong power and impression...who knows.

I think I was almost sleeping on the train. I took a tram there because I had a pass. It took longer than taking JR line, but since my style of traveling changed from what it was some years ago, it was alright. The efficient way can't be the best way all the time ;) Anyway, I was excited to see the beautiful gate, and a little bit more excited about staying at a dorm for the first time; which is one of the things on my wish list that I couldn't accomplish last time :P

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咲く Love

I'm sure I've posted here about my view of marriage and stuff in the past. I've been thinking that I don't need a wedding party, and if I had money that I can spend on such a party, I'd rather spend it on traveling. But joining the wedding party of my friend the other day, made me change my mind a little bit...even if it's for temporal. I felt like having such a sweet wedding party someday :)

However I haven't been to wedding parties so much, I think that party will be one of the most impressive in ones that I will go in my life. It was a very impressive hand-made party. My friend; the bride, made her wedding dress by herself and other accessories and stuffs, the video of their life till now and how they met...almost everything was made by the bride, groom and their friends as well. Even the arrangement of the program was great. The timing of doing some small game between conversation times was well arranged so we never got bored. And the game itself was really funny and amazing.

The game was a quiz game with prizes. Three pairs of male and female are chosen by cards and had to play a game. For example, in first one, the girl had to put a bib to the guy and poor coke into his mouth. When he finishes the bottle, they get the right to answer the quiz. And if the answer is correct, they will get prizes! So, they had to win the game and also had to know the answer of the question. Each question had three choices. The groom and bride had to join the game as well, but since the questions were about themselves, they had a handicap. They had to finish two bottles to answer the question, lol. And the funny thing was, each question has some spice added.

The first question was, "Where was the place they went for the first date?" When one of the couples chose the correct one, the toastmaster said, "They held hand for the first time at that time...how about a kiss?" And everyone laughed. There was also a question which was humiliating(?) to answer there. The question was;

What is the groom's favorite part of the bride's body?

1. Her cute butt
2. Her big breasts
3. Her soft lips

...LOL!!!!! AMAZING!
Because of those silly lovely stuffs, I'm sure everyone enjoyed XD

I think, the party was filled with the love of the groom, bride and their friends. In the end of the party, I saw messages that the groom and bride wrote for each person they invited. It was very impressing. I'm sure the two sweet people will build a sweet family :) I'm very happy that I went there, and remembering the memories still make me smile even after a few days!!

Btw, I like one of the songs that they used in their video. Actually, I hadn't listened the original one so many times but knew the song because one of my ex sometimes sang it when we went to karaoke. I like the gentle melody and also the lyrics. Too bad my translation skill sucks.



*****


Let's name an unknown flower
So that you won't be beaten by cold of the only winter in the world
And you can pick yourself up when you hear someone

The mass of lives remove the asphalt and
Whenever seeing each other they share the loneliness of time they were separated
And they look like the sun and moon

Whether the flowers get fruit or fall without blooming
They are looking at you and someones future in the spring wind

Whenever petals of sakura scatter
Another hopeless love disappears in tears and smile
And you grow up again
The strong pure sorrow, the sorrow of just chase will not change forever
Please don't lose the love blooming inside you...

You looked sad and lost in the crowed in downtown
Please don't say anything
I'm sure that it can't be in words
The tears you've shed will become rain and heal my wound on heart
And the brightness you had in you eyes won't be messed up by the passage of time

Everyone doesn't wanna lose the flower they have on the shore of heart
It's not strong one but single one swaying frailly
However storms come and beat me with the wind, the rain will stop someday
As much as the number of the petals, I feel the strength of life

Whenever petals of sakura scatter
Another hopeless love disappears in tears and smile
And you grow up again
The strong pure sorrow, the sorrow of just chase will not change forever
It's love blooming inside you and me...

Let's name an unknown flower
So that you won't be beaten by cold of the only winter in the world
And you can pick yourself up when you hear someone

I Had Dinner Twice!

When visiting the museum and hanging around the park was done, the most important time(?) came...FOOD TIME!!! I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry and wanted to eat some local food. From the guidebook and free paper, I had thought of what to eat and decided to eat okonomiyaki :) There are two major styles of okonomiyaki in Japan; Hiroshima style and Osaka style, and usually, I prefer Osaka style. However, which stupid doesn't eat local style okonomiyaki when they visit Hiroshima :P

So, I went to a place which lots of okonomiyaki restaurants are, and went into one of them. I say, maybe that counter style restaurants are not where girls usually go alone, but without having company, there was no choice. And, to tell the truth, I do not hesitate going to such places by myself anymore. I think the other two solo trips I went through helped me become a tough girl (^_-)-☆ The only thing is, as I've mentioned in another post in the past, it's just better to have companies when I go eat because we can order lots of things and can share them. Ah, and of course having a fun conversation while eating must be much much better than eating alone silently XD

Finishing eating, I headed to Hiroshima castle because I felt like going there all of a sudden (actually, it was not on my plan). I thought that there must be a light up of the castle and wanted to see it. The park was dark when I walked away from the passage, so I used my maglight. It was actually the right choice that I brought it because it helped me watching my steps and also helped me looking at a map later in Miyajima at night.

When I walked back from the castle, I was hungry again :S I walked through the red-light district there and went into a noodle restaurant. I ordered tsukemen, and I loved it... Finally, I felt full and left there for the hotel. On my way home, I didn't take the tram to the hotel directly, but stopped by the atomic bomb dome. I just wanted to walk by the riverside back to the hotel seeing the night view :P

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My Footprints to Hiroshima

Around 3pm...I saw a sunshine when I got to Hiroshima. When I was leaving Tokyo, it was raining a little bit. I was glad about it because I don't like walking in the rain when I travel...but it was hot, lol. Coming out from the station, I searched for the other train station to take a local train...actually it was a tram. I knew that there were some discount tickets that are useful for tourists, so I bought two of them. One was a one day pass of trams in the city, and the other one was a two days pass for going to Miyajima :) I saved some money with those tickets because the round-trip fare for ropeway in Miyajima costs 1800yen, but the 2 days pass costs only 2000yen and it includes all the way going to Miyajima using the tram, ferry and the ropeway going up to Mt. Misen.

Where I first went was the hotel I booked. I wanted to leave my backpack there. When I was searching for train tickets to Hiroshima, I was not thinking of booking a hotel, because I wanted to accomplish one thing on my wish lists that I missed before and it was staying at a dorm, lol. However, I found it was cheaper if I book a package plan which includes round-way tickets and a hotel. Since I didn't have stay at the hotel both nights, I decided to take advantage of it. I booked the plan and chose a hotel that was 10 minutes walk from the Atomic Bomb Dome. In the end, it was a right choice. It felt good walking by the river and I liked the scenery there.

Anyway, as soon as I threw my backpack in the room, I left the hotel and walked to the Peace Memorial Park to go to the museum. I didn't want to miss things that I could do the day because wanted to leave for Miyajima next day in the morning. I didn't make a time table, but had planned things (people call it almost no plans, lol) vaguely so that I can change my plans in case something happens.

So, firstly, I went to the Peace Memorial Museum that I remembered as a sad and impressive museum. Actually, I've been there several years ago on a school trip. It was fun maybe...but I don't remember it as a happy happy trip because our original school trip was for Okinawa, staying at a nice hotel which a lot of couples want to stay. But it was canceled because of 9.11 and we were about to loose the chance to go on a school trip! Luckily, we were saved from the situation in the end, but going to Okinawa in October turned into going to Hiroshima and Kyoto in freezing January. You know how students were depressed...hahaha.

Looking at exhibitions in the museum, I thought about the museum I visited in HCMC, and thought about the guy I met in Cambodia. It was just interesting that he told me his theme of the trip was "War", so he visited this museum in Hiroshima before leaving Japan, and went to places that are related to wars in Vietnam. His pictures made me go to Vietnam, and now I am in Hiroshima...As I mentioned in another post, it was definitely something that inspired me even it was a little thing. Honestly, my purpose of going to Hiroshima was going to Miyajima, however it felt a little bit strange because I felt like I was tracing his footprints back with visiting the museum, lol.

There were lots of exhibitions, and obviously each one has sad stories. They tell us the cruelty of the atomic bomb. However, I think it's beyond our abilities of imagination...Maybe we can't know what it is unless we are in the situation.

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Taking Nozomi From Tokyo

It didn't feel like I was going anywhere. I woke up at workplace, and did some work. Then, I handed over job to my co-worker and left there. It was a little bit rainy outside, and I left for Tokyo station after breakfast to take a shinkansen. Actually, it wasn't the way that I wanted to take. I wanted to take a bus all the wayt to Hiroshima. However, it didn't look like a good idea because my time was very limited. So, I chose going there by super express train.

I wasn't so excited when I got into the train. But once the train departed, I slowly got excited. The idea "I'm going somewhere" started coming up in my mind. Anyway, the train finally arrived at Hiroshima station after 4 hours. I bought a one day ticket for a tram, and headed to the hotel. Staying at that hotel was not what I asked for because I had somewhere. However, it couldn't be helped. Buying round trip tickets from Tokyo to Hiroshima was more expensive than the plan I found which includes round trip train tickets and a hotel stay for a night. I could just skip staying at the hotel and could go where I wanted to stay, however, I chose taking advantage of the situation. Actually, the decision was right. I got a chance to eat breakfast at peaceful riverside next morning because the hotel was just some minutes away from the Peace Memorial Park ;)

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It Can't Be 100% But...

I wanna go somewhere waywardly. However, it's almost impossible to go anywhere far all of a sudden when I feel like it because I have to make a schedule and get days off for it. It feels like my plans of trips are going less and less scheduled from Cambodia, and I haven't even taken a look of a guidebook this time however I got one from the library. I've tried to check something online but it seems that there is not so much information. OK, I'll find something somehow. The time is too little for doing things free and easy in real meaning, however, I'll get close to it. I only wish if I had a lot of time. I can't deny if I choose this way I'll definitely waste some time. Yeah, I like doing things efficiently basically, however, I feel like doing things that are not efficient for some reason.

The 25 liters backpack is a little bit smaller than I expected. However, it's a good size actually. I shouldn't bring things that I "may" use nor something like snacks that I can buy there. Finishing packing stuffs in the brand new backpack I got a few days ago, I think of time after work. I'm staying over at workplace tomorrow and will leave for Tokyo after work. Maybe I'll read books I bring, listen to music, and finally read the guidebook to get some information.

I started making lunch for myself recently and doing it almost every night; It helps me save money (and another reason is because I really got bored of eating cup ramen, lol). Honestly, it's something I didn't do before. My mom used make lunch for me but she doesn't do it anymore. I never complain about it because I know she doesn't have to. I know still does a lot of things for me which I have to do if I live by myself. I thing I should move out and I really want to do it now if I could. Maybe next year or next next year when I finish my student loan.

I don't know why but I've been busy recently. Yes, the lunch thing is one of the reason, and another thing is, I've been working over time almost everyday even it's only for an hour. I go to church for an English class every Wednesday (honestly, not for the class but to talk to the missionaries), and also going to an ikebana classe on Friday (or Saturday). Plus, I got to go to two wedding parties of friends this month. I have plans every weekend recently. So, the closest event is the short trip coming up this weekend. Why I'm going however it's just a few days? Because I can't stand not going anywhere anymore and will be rotten. There are some things I want to see. There must be some phenomenons I ask for. Since I require something, I act. I don't know if I will meet everything I want. Things do not work as I want sometimes (might be most of times, especially in case not about just something but someone).

Anyway, I have to be glad. At least I'm going to do what I required.

After Cafe "Human Relationship"

On 30th, I had a promise to meet someone, but the person didn't appear. I thought that it was because we hadn't kept in touch well (I didn't even know his cell and we made a promise long time ago) but it didn't matter for me so much. Actually, there was a cafe I wanted to go, so it was a good opportunity. I had heard that the cafe has some flavors of scones which are 100 yen and they are sold out till evening usually. So, I wanted to get that scones and wanted to read a book if I like there. So I went there, and got a cup of coffee (it was 200 yen) and two scones that the staff recommended.

There were not so many people and it was relaxing. One thing that I didn't like was they don't have nonsmoking section so I was bothered by smoke sometimes. But anything else was fine. Since everyone else home was staying over the night, I messaged one of my friends from university and asked him if we could have dinner together. I wanted to share time with someone raher than staying home alone. Luckily, I caught the person and promised to meet up at 6. I was very glad about it, because he is one of my good friends and we really enjoyed spending time back in school days. I thought of what to do till the time but some how the things with the first person worked, and I experienced something interesting with him. However, I don't know if I do it again because I found that maybe it's not my style. I noticed I prefer something more natural. Hmmm, maybe what I'm saying is too vague to let you know what I'm talking about. Never mind.

Anyway, later on, I met up with my friend and went to izakaya restaurant. Actually, it was the first time meeting with just him. Whenever we met, we were always in a group. So, I felt a little bit strange about the situation, but soon it became fun. We ate, drank a lot and chatted about past days and recent days. We missed those days in university and he told me how much important friends we are for him and I was just glad to know that he feels the same way as me. I never forget small things we did together. The nabe party we did in the clubroom is one of the most impressive memories for me. We missed doing those things. From sometime, we hadn't done drinking all together. I was always sending them messages to make drinking meetings, but they got too busy to reply. So I stopped.

While drinking, we both felt the same way; we want to do something all together again. This time, he was the one who made a decision. "Let's go to Anno's apartment!" So he said, and started calling him and other people. Thus, a plan to stay over at Anno's apartment started by two drunk people. We already adjusted the date. I want it to work out and I do hope so. I really want to spend time with them again as we did back in university days. Drinking drinking drinking, eating, chatting, drinking, playing around...doing stupid things...and drinking, lol. I'm sure that everyone has such sweet memories and misses them a lot sometimes like I do right now. So, please wish my dreams to come true :P

Escape From The Night Amusement Park

I used to play escape game online a lot and really loved it. Recently, my sister found a real escape game whose title is "Escape From The Night Amusement Park". We bought tickets and were looking forward it. Last night, 1000 people were locked into a night amusement park and had to solve questions to find a way to escape from there. We reached the last question but couldn't solve everything in time. So, we failed :'( However, it was fun!! I definitely want to join some of them again :)

Actually, my friends wanted to join as well, but since the events are very popular, tickets were already sold out...It was very quick.

So, why don't you like to join one of such fun events? ;) You'll enjoy it...but I don't deny you have to have great companies unless you're smart :P

Please!!!

It has been a while since I did what I call serious play last time. I was going to do that last month, but unfortunately, I missed the chance. But finally...I did it today v(^_^)v I wore a pretty one-piece dress that I fell in love for the first sight, and brought another simple outfit as well. It's always fun to play around like that, but today, I had to collaborate with mean ladies (T_T) Actually, it was like a torture..you know, there were a lot of mosquitoes in the park and I was always surrounded by them but I had to smile! Itchy itchy itchy!! I wonder why only I got bumpy legs (they were really horrible) and he got just a few. It was really unfair!! I changed clothes after a while and wore jeans, however the vampires found somewhere to bite somehow...So, I had to fight with those itch all the time anyways. I was even bitten on my face and was like "PLEASE DO NOT MAKE MY FACE UGLY ANYMORE (T_T)" Being bitten on face was really horrible. I want him to photoshop the small bump I got on my face by a mosquito...seriously. But I still had fun in such tough situation being bullied by mosquitoes. I think I have to be tough to keep doing this!

Even it's a play for me, I always wonder if I do well. I have to try my best because I know people I work with are making efforts to create something great. And it's maybe the only thing I can do in return. I'm really happy to take a part of those works and I always get something positive from them.

Now, everything for today is done for me. What I have to do is just looking forward to getting the thing. I'm sure once I get them, and whenever I look at them, I'll remember about the ladies wearing black and white striped socks who I bullied me a lot today and will see my bumpy legs hidden below the pictures.

Please, no more collaboration with mosquitoes!!!

I Require Common Sense To Become Friends

I just remembered one of my friends has told me that how many drawers you get tells how much your boyfriend loves you...

Last Sunday was hot. I was removing summer clothes from my drawers and put some clothes for coming fall. It took more than I expected, but I finished around 2 o'clock. Then, I thought what to do. I remembered that my mom told me that there was a Sri Lanka festival at Yoyogi park. So I decided to head there. I thought it's gonna be nice if I would eat some Sri Lankan curry and read a book outside some tea beside watching the show. I've noticed that from some point, my style of spending time has changed. I won't say I always love to go to places by myself, however, I don't want to refrain from going somewhere because of having no companies. Maybe slowly...where I can go by myself has kept expanding since I traveled alone for the first time.

Going somewhere alone has positive side but also negative side. For instance, about festivals like that, I can watch shows as much as I want without being bothered by taking care of people that I'm with. And I can eat anything, whenever I want if I feel hungry. However, when I'm alone, there is no one to talk to sometime (because I'm too shy to speak to strangers) and what I eat will be limited because I don't have anyone to share. Yeah, enjoyed the festival anyways but can't deny there was something that I felt not too comfortable.

It was not a big thing but was enough to make me disgusted. When I was walking back to the station, two Sri Lankan guys asked me where Yoyogi station is. Since I didn't know, I told them that I don't know, but also said we could go to Harajuku station together if they didn't mind. So, we started walking together and they started asking me some questions like where I live, if I came alone, etc. They told me that they came to his friend's place by car, but once they noticed that we live in the same direction (they live farther tho), they started recommending me to go home by their car. And how funny, they said "大丈夫？" to me when I rejected!! 大丈夫(daijobu)...it's one of very useful words in Japanese. I think お願いします(onegaishimasu) and 大丈夫(daijobu) are the most useful words beside greeting. Anyway, they said 大丈夫？ to me in the situation, which means "Are you OK (to go home alone)?" HOW DARE!!! Are there any people who are not stupid to say such things? How can it be dangerous for a 26 year old girl to go back home by train compared to be in a car with two stranger guys, huh? Or do I look like a girl that is taken by guys easily? I hope that it's not the latter. So, it's a very unfortunate thing to know that I couldn't find a common sense in the foreigners who have been living in Japan for 6 years.

Mmm, it's hard to end up a day with just comfortable feelings sometimes :S

Instead of "I Don't Believe In God"

For some reason, I got to know two American guys who are living in my town currently and spoke to one of them. As talking to him, I got to know that he is a student in the US, but now he got two years break and came to Japan as a missionary 6 months ago. Firstly, I was surprised at his Japanese. Actually, he speaks good Japanese. So I asked him if he's been learning it for a long time but he told me he learned it for 3 months before coming to Japan. Oh my... Since he likes traveling and so do I, we talked about it. He told me where he wants to go and I talked about the places I recently traveled. Since I really enjoyed talking to him and got interested what they do, I decided to visit their church when they have free English lessons. I knew that it was maybe just one of the good opportunities to let people know what they do and I may be persuaded to become a member of the church, however my curiousness for the young guys who don't look older than 20 won. I wanted to get a chance to talk to them more, because I wondered what those young gentle guys who said one of their most important thing for now is "church", have in their mind.

Honestly, if I had to say if I don't have a negative impression about following religions, I wouldn't deny that have it. I know that mostly not, but sometimes, terrorism or wars are caused by crazy believers. I also don't like people who tell me to follow their religion by saying something like "You don't know the truth" etc.

So, as I got a good impression from them, I visited their church as they told me and took a free English class. But actually, I didn't expect anything from the class, I went there to talk to them again, lol. In exchange for going to their class, I had to give them 30 minutes to let them introduce about their church in a few days. What I felt was they are very ambitious about their mission. They called me Tuesday night to let me remind about the class on Wednesday, and called me again to confirm that I was coming to listen to their talk.

Since I got interested in them when I met them for the first time, I searched about their religion and also about the missionaries on Internet before going to meet them. When I got to the church, they let me sit on a chair and showed me a short video which introduces about their religion. After watching it, they asked me which part of the video I like. Since I didn't expect that I would be asked such a thing, I couldn't give them an exact answer, but they told me their favorite parts. What was most interesting for me was when I told them I don't believe in God and also not really interested in following any religions. One of them asked me why I don't believe in God. So I asked him back what made him believe in God because I didn't find any reason for me to start believing in God. What he told me was not the exact answer for my question, but I was really impressed. I know that he had a tough time to explain, but he told me in Japanese. Almost 100% of the conversation there was in Japanese. How dedicated they are! He chose the way to become a missionary by himself and trying to share the happiness with people through believing God because he believes following God's words makes them happy and he knows that is truth that God exists.

Even though I'm not following any religions, I think there is something we can learn from them. For example, about relationships in family. There are somethings that I want to tell but I refrain from writing them because it's gonna be very long if I write about such things. So, in the end, the moment being told about their church was very interesting and fun. But I said "I don't believe in God" clearly and didn't let them set another time introduce me about their church more. Honestly, it's fun to know about them but I might be disgusted if they talk about God a lot because it's unrealistic for me. But don't take it wrongly, as I mentioned, I think there are a lot of things that we can learn from them. And those things may be revelations of God for them but just things that should be for me.

Anyway I wish we can be friends. But it seems that it's hard to become normal friends with missionaries under the mission. As I searched, they must have strict rules and tough schedules...damn!! Lol. However, exchanging thoughts with someone who thinks different from me is quite interesting as long as we don't force each opinions. I really enjoy talking to them (I mean it!) and hope so do they. I think it's great if they visit Japan again and feel like hanging out with people they've met like me someday in the future.

By the way, my fried told me what I said sounds cold. Yes, I don't know the proper way to say some things sometimes. And that's why I think my English is not good. I may be able to tell you what's on my mind in English, but maybe it's too direct sometimes because I don't know a nicer way to say, and maybe I don't even notice that I'm hurting someone. So, next time, if I get into a similar situation, I'll say "I have no intentions of following any religion at the present moment." instead of "I don't believe in God" :)

Something In さがしもの

*A letter which was left in a book*

I tried to write something cool, but it seems that I can't.

Thank you. It's the first words that came up on my mind.
I'm really depressed that only such cheesy and fake words came up on my mind.

However, it's everything that I can say.
I really had fun spending time with you these two years. It even feels like if I made the word "happiness" to a phenomenon of reality one by one, maybe the days that we spent together would be built.

A lot of tough things happened in these two years. Mother died, and brother caused an accident. I had to go to a mental hospital for a while, and lost my job. However, I think that I really owe it to you that I've passed such days with smiling.

I've also been through a lot of sad things with you, but it can't be compared with the words "thank you". Thank you for letting me like you.

From now, we will finally go though the completely separated ways. However, I want to meet you somewhere in the future like just meeting by chance at a crossroads. If it happens, then, I hope that we can talk about the days that we spent without each other in adults' words.

There were two dogs next-door. We put our arms though the fence and patted the dogs' heads like as if we were competing. We saw the lights of Shinjuku night through the window. We cleaned house while arguing. We bought cheap atka mackerels at fish store. We burst an egg with microwave oven. We always got out of breath at halfway of the steps.

In our separated lives, surely you and me will remember again and again. Are they beautiful memories? Or might be something different? I hope that they are the former. See you. Bye bye. So long.



*What a girl thought when she just moved out from an apartment she's been living with her ex*

There is a really good scene on the 15th book. Reading it first, I threw the book away and went to blow my nose. I cried. He laughed at me, but as I thought, he went to blow his nose in hiding when he read it. We kept saying great again and again seriously.

I opened the page of the 15th book. Without seeing any words nor pictures, a tear dropped. And I suddenly noticed. I noticed it for the fist time that it's like this to be in love with someone and break up with the one. It's like sharing a bookshelf. It's like exchanging books, read them all over and memorize the same sights. It's like pulling the union apart however that is already jumbled together. It's not about losing the confidence nor recovering from it. It's like tearing something that is already a part of me and lose it forever.

I closed the comic book and sat down on the floor. I cried harder and louder that when I read the 15th book. It was the first time that I cried because of him.

The bookshelf lost book and it will never filled up with same books. It's same about his nice bookshelf. However, it must not be a sad thing. Maybe we will keep the memories that we shared and it's like remembering an impressing scene of the book; you can remember the details of the unwritten colours of the girl's clothes right away.

Let's cry until I get satisfied, so I thought in the messy room. Let's cry as much as I want just like a kid. It's ok to cry till the midnight because I've lost that much.

And let's go to buy a new bookshelf tomorrow. Before getting curtains nor a bed. I decided so beside crying.

What I Did Today And...Dump

I'm a girl who rarely goes to see movies at theaters. However somehow, I already went there 3 times this months. Today was my day off and as it was Wednesday, I went to a theater to see Inception, the movie which some friends told me great. Actually, today was a "ちょびリッチ (petit rich)" off day because of it. Wearing a little bit girlish clothes, leaving my hair down (it was hot actually, lol) and went to eat lunch after getting the ticket. Although the lunch was not rich because I went to hidakaya (lol), I read a halfway finished book after lunch and got an ice cream on the way back to the theater so those things made me feel a little bit rich. I even had a cup of coffee and studied a little bit after the movie :)

I think I've been spending a lot of money these a few months...mostly owing to those pretty clothes and stuffs that I'm going to wear once or twice in coming a few months. I'm also paying back my student loan and it's making me poorer I guess. I'm not sure what I will be in the near future. Err, not about myself but the environment that I belong to. It feels like that nothing will change in such a short time. I will be working without doing what I want to do...I mean, going somewhere far. The fact makes me feel depressed and makes my motivation down.

A friend of mine mentioned about my last post. He told me that it sounded extremely rude. Yes, it came from my negative feelings but I didn't know it sounded that rude. Too bad I lack for English sense. I thought about writing it in Japanese, but didn't. However, being told about it, I feel sorry because I'm not posting things here to make someone feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, my friend who wants to spend time together on my birthday called me and we talked about what to do. I told her that I want to do BBQ or go to a festival. I also told her that my sister has an idea going to the friendship festival in Yokota air base. Finally, it seems like we are going to go to the festival wearing yukata (not sure yet but maybe). It's not a bad way to spend my 26th birthday I guess. I should be a little bit happier to have someone who wants to spend time with me on such a day.

I've been finding myself not truly moved by compliments given by some friends. Someone said I look pretty. Someone said I'm sweet. However, I know that I'm just a girl who is selfish and becomes happy or sad with worthless things. Especially when I'm down, it feels like they can say such things because they don't know about me. But I know that I'm the one who doesn't let them come inside the wall. And maybe it's a miserable thing.

I hope that the days like being in Cambodia of Vietnam will come soon somehow. If I look forward to it and actually go somewhere, I'm sure my negative feelings will be blown away even it's something temporal. I need to go somewhere with my backpack.

Just A Bullshit

I know that it will hurt me. I'm going to regret...maybe it's too much to say "regret" but surely it's something negative. It's something that I've missed, although I wanted, and I will never get a chance to grab it in my hand. I've been avoiding something and maybe I've been doing it OK. However, I can't control myself anymore sometimes and try to take a bite of SOMETHING that brings me to a negative spiral. How stupid I am doing it beside knowing that I can't get anything but just get hurt.

Having been chilled down, I've found a lot of things that are unreasonable. Yes, I definitely got somethings that are good to me, but also the way that I shouldn't be treated. I think I'm a stupid girl who wants to become a woman but also wants to be a girl. At least I had been working hard to become something. I'd been trying to believe something, however, I found out everything I was told was a bullshit. Now I know that maybe only what I found by myself was right.

People say I'm going ahead and seem to be enjoying myself when I talk about something and actually, it's something positive. Actually, I want to enjoy myself. However, sometimes I feel like I'm just chasing the things I missed somewhere. I think I almost got out of there, but sometimes, when I'm unstable, I find myself being caught there again. How dare I feel it's hard to breath. How dare I can't stop gazing at it. When something scratches the scab by chance, the injury starts hurting again.

It gave me sweetest things but also left me the contrary things in the end. Bullshit, now I know everything is bullshit. The words locate on the other side of the river. But however I know that, it's hard to control what I feel. That is, I'm still a girl. A friend asked me what I wish if just one thing but anything can come true. I know what I want but maybe I won't ask for that because I know it's gonna be a problem however I overcome it once or twice somehow. I know it isn't worth because it shouldn't be a thing that I make efforts alone.

I was shocked when I found how clear the memories are. I clearly remember everything even they are nothing. I know that I should go sleep and just forget any sad things to get out of this mood, however the machine is still analyzing a blood sample behind me. Although I'm still a girl who wants to become mature, I sometimes want to became like a little baby and sleep somewhere being pat the hair without feeling any fears.

...Never mind, everything is bullshit. I know that there is nowhere. I know that only I can help myself.

First Time In Public Wearing Ao dai :)

It was my first time going to a wedding party (although it was the second party of wedding). As I mentioned before, I brought Ao dai dress and wore it. I was sure there wouldn't be anyone wearing something similar to me, and actually it was as I expected. However, I didn't expect that they would be so simple. I thought that some girls must be flashy (of course less flashy than the bride), but not really. I'm sure I stood out because of my clothes and height (I wore 10cm length high heel which I almost never wear usually and it made my feel really tired, lol) because of the length of the pants of Ao dai. But it made my body shape look a little bit better, so it wasn't that bad ;) I might be invited in a few other parties which are related to wedding, so I'm looking forward to going there and wear something 'special' because I have 3 of such clothes now. 1: Ao dai, 2: A blue dress which I share with my sister, 3: My sister's China dress, lol. I'm sure that it will be interesting for my friends to see me in such clothes which I never wear in usual.

After the party, friends and me (all of us were in the same class at high school) moved to a family restaurant in our town and talked a lot. There was a girl that I didn't talk so much in old days at school, and it was actually our first meeting after graduation. However, we spent a great time. One of the friends said I look very different. On the day, I wore a black one-piece dress because I thought that it might not be right to going to the ceremony hall with wearing clothes which I usually wear because they are too casual. The one-piece dress is a kind of casual one, however they was surprised to see me in such clothes. My friend told me that I look sexy in the outfit and it made me a little bit happy since I know that I'm not sexy at all. I'm sure I have fonder of foods than glamour (I ate 3 sweets at the hall beside playing bingo game!!!)

Anyway, I enjoyed the day and hope that my friend; the bride, will be happy with her husband forever :D

My Heart Flies Back To Vietnam

Today was not a very hot day. Since I was off, I got to sleep more than usual and woke up around 8:30. I already had a plan what to do...I wanted to go shopping to buy some stuff to make my hair up. It looked like it would be the last one that I need for the party since I had already bought a pair of earrings the other day when I was going to meet Mariko; the girl that I met in Vietnam. Since both of us wanted to make girls' meeting, we organized it and finally we met up 3 days ago :)

I enjoyed the other meeting; almost two months ago with Satoshi and Mariko, but didn't get a chance to have girls' conversation. So that's why we wanted to make that meeting. She is cute and smart, so that I thought that I thought it would be nice if we could become good friends :) Actually, we talked about a lot of things when we met up. But I feel that I talked too much :S I talkied about my idea about relationship and what I do for fun; the thing that I put some energy on (I'm sure some friends know what it is). I showed her some of my works (but honestly I don't feel those are my works, but the other people's :S). She told me that I'm positive. I don't think I'm a positive thinking person, however, I don't deny that I'm getting some good infection by doing it.

Firstly, it makes me feel like paying attention a little bit more about myself. However it's just a few times thing in a couple of month, it does something on me. It makes me feel like making small efforts to stay pretty :) I can't make such a great efforts nor spend a lot of money on it, but do some small things. For example, I practiced drawing eye lines (I hadn't used eyeliner before) and making a new hairstyle. I know that I can't be super pretty but at least there is something that I can do not to be rude. I think it's a kind of rude if I don't do anything when I help someone however it's a play for me (it's a serious play tho). Maybe those stories made Mariko feel that I'm positive. Listening to me, she said she has to start acting as well. It was interesting that we have some similar opinions about certain things.

By the way, the rest of Team Tokyo; Satoshi, is in Vietnam again from today. I remember that he told us that he would stay at Duong's hotel again. I sent him a message last night and told him to say hello to him if he meets him. I also sent an email to Duong but haven't received the reply yet. Now I envy Satioshi a lot and feel like visiting Vietnam again. Sitting at a stall, drinking a glass of beer with ice and having fun conversations. There must be another great encounter for Satoshi being in Vietnam :)

Dreaming Of Sleep

At last night of July, I was staying at workplace being bored. I was busy when another co-worker was there, but after she left, it wasn't so busy anymore. I watched TV while eating...it was a program of broadcasting one of the most famous fireworks display in Tokyo. I remember last year, I stayed over two consecutive Saturday nights and both of them had big fireworks display, so I missed them. I emailed one of my friends that is going to go to the party next weekend to confirm something, and she told me she would check something and text me back later since she was outside.

Maybe fireworks. I thought so. It might be wrong, but I envied her. It felt like everyone was having fun in the heated atmosphere at the riverside but I was bored in the lab. It sucked. If I can go to a firework display this summer somewhere around Tokyo, maybe it'll be only on 14th at Tokyo bay. Since I'll have work till around 3pm, I won't be able to wear yukata, but it should be alright. It's much nicer if I go there wearing it, but going there itself has a higher priority for me. I don't know why but really want to go.

One of my friends from high school texted me. She told me that she was going to organize drinking and want us to let her know which day would be good, 11th, 12th, or 14th. So, if I had made a promise to go to the fireworks, I wouldn't say I would be available on 14th. However, since not, I told her any day would be ok but I would be happy if the day would be 11th or 12th. Generally thinking, weekends are better for people to meet up so there is a high possibility that the meeting would be on 14th.

I remember where I went on first Saturday in August last year. I also came back home in the morning like today after work. The hot weather brings me a lot of memories back which maybe I shouldn't think of too much.

I like watching fireworks. However it makes me feel sad and lonely. The fading light and sound remind me of the end of summer, coming cool season and fleeting reality. I wonder if I've changed. However everything is gone, sometimes I feel that I haven't gotten out from dreaming of sleep yet.

Something Fun

Last weekend, I went Mt.Tsukuba with a few people. I remember my last mountain climbing was Mt.Nokogiri in Chiba with my sister during Golden Week. The course was not that tough, but I remember we were killed by steps. But the view from Jigoku Nozoki that we went was great! Anyway, I totally didn't know anything about Mt.Tsukuba till my friend mentioned about it, but since I like hiking, there was no reason to reject going there however it was a little far from my house. We climbed climbed climbed, and reached the cable car station beside the top of the mountain (actually, the mountain has two tops; male top and female top). We got a soft ice cream to have a short break there, and accomplished both of the tops after the break (yay!). I liked the female one better :) Actually, the top was made of rocks. We sat down there, and talked about radom things. The view was great and the tough way was worth it. The sun didn't shine so strong while we were there, and there was some wind. Yes, it was a very relaxing moment. I thought I could sleep there :P

There were also a couple of funny stories while hike. When we were walking toward the top, a father and a kid came from the upper. The kid was holding a net and there were some beetles in the cage. My friend spoke to them and said "You caught a lot". But what the father said was "We bought them" and it made him laugh for some time, lol. The second story is, we met some young guys coming up when we were going down. I found them interesting since one of the guys was carrying something like a big washtub on his back. So, they caught my attention, and we caught their attention as well. OK, I tell the truth. It was not ME but the two guys walking front and behind me. They found them unique because they were making a video for an entertainment for their friends' wedding. Thus, we said congratulations in front of the video camera and celebrated strangers' wedding with pulling a cracker, lol. The interesting thing was, the bride's name is Michiko and I have a friend who is gonna get married in a few months and her name is exactly Michiko as well.

Anyway, I had fun that day and hope that I will also have fun on my off days during summer. Somehow I don't feel like being bored staying at home on off days like I used to do like before, so I want to fulfill my schedule :) As I succerfrf getting a day off on my birthday, I definitely want to do something on the day. However, I'm not sure yet. A friend and her bf told me that they wanted to make a plan, but maybe I shouldn't expect it too much. Of course, it's gonna be nice to spend time with them, however, I'm also used to be forgotten my birthday because it had been during summer vacation back in school days. So, I'm gonna make a plan B. I think it's gonna be just a daydream, but for example, I want to go to a beach somewhere. I want to bring some fireworks, some snacks and maybe beer. Listening to the songs I like, I get to the beach. I sit down somewhere and think about random things seeing the sea. When it gets dark, I put fire on fireworks. I'm sure the smell of fireworks reminds me the end of summer and made me get sentimental. I want to gaze blankly at the sea after firework and wait for the sky beginning to get brightened. Does it sound lonely? :P

Beside Happy Birthday Song That The Glasses Play

Yesterday was my friend's birthday :) Me and Haruka had already booked a restaurant that we went for the first time the other day, and also ordered a birthday plate for her at the same time! It had been a while since all of us met for the last time, and there were a lot of things to talk. The foods were very good and I was very happy. Actually, other two people wanted to come to the restaurant as well since before, but they had kept missing it, so it was great. By the way, I seriously recommend you Quattro Formaggi pizza there. The collaboration of the cheese and honey is amazingly great!! And I also LOVE Brulee....*YUM* You have no idea how much I wanted to eat one more (actually, more than one) when I ate it for the first time. However, I refrained from having the second one...damn!!

We also didn't forget asking Ayako (the friend who is gonna get married in a few months) how's everything going and she told us it's going well :) It felt like the time passed so fast since I saw her engagement ring last year, (actually, I was dying at that time, lol) and she told me the date that she will invite us to introduce her husband officially. She will have her wedding the same day, and we are going to be invited to the party after the wedding. As she makes clothes for babies at work, she is going to make her own wedding dress!!! Isn't it amazing? I know that she has made some thing like clothes or bags for herself before, but didn't really think that she makes a dress for her wedding. I would love to see the dress, definitely! And there was another news. Finally, Haruka and her boyfriend made a ring. She showed me the picture :) It is a ring that has a heart design on it and looked cute. Maybe all of us thought the count down for the marriage started, lol. If they get married, I will be the important person because I made the chance to let they know each other :) Yes, I'm the Cupid ;P

Anyway, I went shopping after renewing my driving license today, and bought an underwear for the one-piece dress. Now, almost everything is done to wear the dress. I'm sure I will get chances to wear the dress or Ao dai more than once in coming few years.

Which To Wear...

I'm still thinking which to wear...Ao dai or the one- piece dress that I bought with sister the other day. On Saturday, I went shopping with my sister and bought a blue one-piece dress that has a frill obliquely running from the waist to the bottom. Since such dresses for parties are expensive, we decided to share it so each person paid half of the price. So we can save money and the dress gets more chances to be wore :) Good for people, good for dress, lol.

Today I went to search for a necklace and a bolero that I can combine the dress. And it messed up my schedule. I thought I would finish it in a few hours but it took more. I missed having coffee break with reading a book, lol. But it was alright since I found something at least. It's hard to find something that I really like. I usually have to find a meeting point when I'm searching for something I need. So I succeeded to find the point today.

Where I bought them finally was at the store that I bought the one-piece dress with my sister. Since they still had the exact same dress, I wore it again and looked if they fit. When I wore it, I remembered my friend asked me why I didn't take a picture to show her when I tried it on. However, I didn't take a picture for her this time again. I'm too shy since it's definitely not something I wear and maybe no one can imagine that I wear such a thing. It's too different from what I wear usually. Maybe...for sure, I'll take some pictures at the party, so they will be the ones that I will show her :) I want her to look forward till the day, lol.

Now, only one thing is left...UNDERWEAR. Since the fat that is forced out from the bra may be seen over the dress, it's better to wear a special underwear. Actually, it makes your body line beautiful (I feel sorry for people who would see me in the dress because I feel I'm cheating on them). But as you know, its expensive :'( Man, I wish if I were rich. Anyway, I have to search for such an underwear in a few weeks and in case I can't find it, I have to buy it at the store that I bought the dress...or, I just leave it for next time and wear Ao dai. Mmm, not sure yet.

Which Chain Do You Like?

I'm sorry, for me, there isn't a big difference among their gyudons. I left workplace late last night, so I didn't want to wait eating meal until I got home. It takes for 1.5 hours from my workplace to home and I was absolutely hungry. I stopped by yoshinoya under the station and had a quick meal. While eating alone, I remembered about something. Some guy thinks that I love yoshinoya just because we went there once. But the fact was, it was okay for me to have a quick cheap meal and I saw yoshinoya there, that was it. It might have been his first time being to yoshinoya (I'm not sure), and it seemed like he didn't like it so much. He loves sukiya. Actually, I didn't feel too comfortable about the way when he mentioned that I liked yoshinoya very much. It sounded one-sided for me. I had denied once, but for some reason, he believed so and kept saying it. I wonder why.

There are some gyudon chains like yoshinoya, matsuya or sukiya. I've been all of the three (I know there are more), but don't know what is differet. Yes, of course I know they are different, but for me, they are almost the same; they don't have an inportant difference for me. Ok, if I say something, matsuya gives us misosoup by free when if we order gyudon, so maybe I go there if I find all 3 very close to each other, that's it. All of them are okay for me. Not that yummy, but not bad as well. It's ok to have meal at such places because they provide us quickly and the price is affordable. A kind of Japanese style fast food, lol. I remember that I saw yoshinoya at Bugis in Singapore and was shocked because the menu was so different, hahaha.

Never mind, I'm just saying about a thing that came up to my mind randomly. It's worthless...

Recent Style Of Spending Time

I grabbed a book that was half-finished and another one that I hadn't started reading yet. I took a train and went downtown in my city. I thought where to go for a bit when I got there, but decided to go to karaoke. Once I went there alone for the first time, I haven't felt shy going there alone anymore. It's a good place to release the stress that I've stored up. I can sing (scream?) there a lot and no one cares, lol. I have poor repertory of songs, however, tried to sing a new one today. It's a song from Turky which my sister tried to sing the other day when we went to karaoke. The lyrics are not so interesting for me but I like the rhythm. After feeling refreshed there, I went to Mcdonald's to grab some coffee. There are two Mcdonald's around the station, and I like the newer one. It opened maybe last year or so, and it still looks clean. I like taking one of the seats which is just in front of the big windows so I can see outside. There is a doughnut chain whose name is "mister doughnut" obliquely across the street and I can see people sitting there from the seat. Actually, I like taking a seat there as well. Nursing coffee, I read books. Sometimes, I saw around my seat, saw outside of the window and watch people passing by. I feel very relaxed when I do it. I wanna do it at a STARBUCKS at Shibuya which locates beside the scramble crossing but haven't gotten a chance yet, lol.

Recently I spend my off days like this when I have no plans. I don't feel like staying at home bored anymore. It's better to go outside however I just stay at a cafe (Mcdonald's) and read a book. I mostly go to the library, get books and read them there. Of course it's better to have some events sometimes. For now, I have 3 events in coming 3 months; friend's party after her wedding party, a real escape game, and Luna Regalo. I also want to go to a fireworks display. Till last summer, I hadn't thought about going there unless I have someone to go with, however, I feel like it's ok to go alone, just sitting on the riverside grabbing some beer, lol. I'm sure I'll look like a lonely poor girl if I do it tho. It's interesting that I like summer more than winter now. I didn't have any preference about seasons before. It may be because I enjoyed traveling some South East Asian countries, but I'm not sure.