ヒトマエデナケルコト。

One of my friends said I could cry there if I had a hard time. But I think it's hard to cry in front of someone. Even tears come out (but I try my hardest not to weep), thinking about crying aloud...no way! I'm not gonna do such a thing. I'd rather choose wiping my tears when no one is looking, nor I cry alone. As a girl, I think it's unfair using tears as a weapon, especially when I'm with guys. Girls' weeping intentionally and appeal to someones sympathy is one of the things that I hate a lot. Therefore I don't wanna shed tears in front of anyone. It feels like I'm the loser if I cry in front of someone. I don't want to show my weakness in that way.

But on the other hand, I envy someone who can cry in front of someone...as long as there is not a dirty mind, lol. If I do, it means I don't have to worry the person might think I'm crying intentionally or something. I don't have to hide anything and can show myself nakedly however ugly it looks. It comes from trust and being free from fear. I need a special place. As long as I have to care the third eyes, it's not the place. Mmmm, I'm confused now, and don't feel I'm expressing myself clearly (~_~;) Actually, I'm so sleepy working at night being alone in the hospital lab right now, when a lot of people are having off days for new year. Maybe I can cry here and curse my poor destiny working tonight :S Hahaha, this post might have been just a silly talk.

Message For Myself

If I describe about past few months with just one word, I say it was like a firework. You might laugh, but I really feel so. As soon as being lighted, it went up with a noise, and the blossom came out. But the life of the fire flower was short. It shined prettily and disappeared so quickly. After that, there was only the bright impression remained with the smell of the powder, and loneliness was floating around the air silently.

"When I'm very depressed and sad, even feel like dying, I'm surprised to find myself still alive. However painful I feel, people around me live ordinary life and it relieves me a little." That's the words my friends said and it impressed me. However sad I am, the earth keeps rotating and the environment around me doesn't do anything with me. I know I was obsessed. I need a rest now. I have to slow down, spend my own time, and charge myself to be full. The mistake I made doesn't produce anything. I should take it. All I have to do is to think what was wrong and try not to cause the same problem again.

Don't be so depressed myself! However little it is, you can't deny there is a hope. Everything is unsettled about the future.

Hybrid Instrumental

This is a promotion video of an artist group that I like a lot recently. Actually, this music is one of the most favorite ones. It's the first track of their first CD.

I bought their CDs a few days ago. I'm a person who doesn't buy musics online, I'd rather buy a CD if I really like the music. But recently, I didn't even go to a CD store. I don't know why I had been unfamiliar with music lately, but the fact is, I hadn't bought any CD for a year. So, it means the music I bought had a power to break the rule :) It's a completely new type of music among CDs I have. Their performance is unique and powerful. I like it a lot. I was impressed when I heard this music at a store, and have wanted the composition since then. Now, finally I have it. And luckily, I got two tickets for their free mini in store live concert that will be made in January. Of course I want to go :D I wanna see their performance in person. It will be so great!! I'm excited :D For me, they are revolutionary children, lol.

My Declaration

I've been so busy recently, I have a lot of things to do, so I didn't even get the chance to come here and post anything :( I feel frustrated because I don't feel I'm what I am now. I decided one of my biggest choice in my 25 years life (you might think its exaggerated expression tho, lol) which I call my first biggest ohitorisama debut in my life. I had hard time to decide, but once I decided, I felt much easier and things around me seemed working well, but after a while, I didn't feel good anymore.

The fact is, I can't say something that I want to say. As I'm Japanese, I read the atmosphere and don't disturb it unless I feel I need it. But now I have hard time to judge what I have to tell being between my wishes and my thoughts. And what makes the situation worse is..I'm not straight sometimes; I sometimes hesitate something and react as if I didn't want it even I feel happy when I get it. How can someone know my true desire if I'm like this?

One clear thing is, I need time. But there is little time and there is a term from the time to time that I get next. It makes me lose the sense where I reached last time and how to react next time. I wish I had a large time to make sure my direction. I know that a person, that I'm thinking about now, is not perfect. Maybe he is trying to make me comfortable about something, but as for me, it's not enough because I need something more than words. I need a good environment to tell my requirement sometimes...I mean, how can I tell somebody that I want to go somewhere with right after the person says he/she has no money to spend for a while. Communication shouldn't be self-satisfaction. If you want someone to let you know his/her true thought, it's necessary to make a situation that the person feel easy to tell such things. Even I say this, I don't think myself is good enough about such a thing. I have to try as well. And since I hate myself being like this now, I really should tell anything that I want to tell to "somebody".

So, this post is my declaration.
..Maybe I should be persistent in some degree :S